


Saudade

by Phantom_of_the_library



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Daenerys hurting, Dany deserves better, Missandei deserved better, Post-Episode 8x04, Queen Daenerys, Spoilers, character deaths mentioned, grey worm deserved better, jorah deserved better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-07
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2020-02-28 04:55:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18749440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phantom_of_the_library/pseuds/Phantom_of_the_library
Summary: Sometimes she wonders if all of this is truly worth it. Was this really what she wanted or even after his death, was she still trying to please her cruel brother Viserys? Afterall, it was he who had sold her to Khal Drogo in an attempt to gain an army large enough to recapture the throne for himself. He would have left Daenerys with the Dothraki as he lounged in silks and pleasures that the Red Keep would have given him, like they probably had when he was a young boy.





	Saudade

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this after watching episode 4 because I didn't know how else to cope and ease my suffering. Daenerys and everybody didn't deserve this and I'm honestly devastated. Anyway, let's get on with it, shall we? This contains spoilers for season 8 episode 4 so please, don't read if you haven't watched. Thank you.

When Daenerys returns to Dragonstone, she doesn’t make it to the steps before she collapses. 

The image of Missandei’s head and body falling from the wall burns itself into her mind that even when she closes her eyes, she still sees it happening. The regal composure she had been so desperate to maintain had been crumbling long before now. The death of Viserion, her sweetest child was the first strike. Then came Jorah’s death, her oldest friend whom she had nearly lost twice before was gone for good. Her loyal bear had left her for the last and final time, with no promise of returning.

Now here she was, crumbling into the sand like the grains beneath her as she screamed for Rhaegal and Missandei. Her second child had violently plummeted from the sky where he had once so proudly soared and the woman she considered a sister was now gone too. Grey Worm and Tyrion had both tried to console her, but she shook their hands away. 

In the distance, she could hear Drogon crying too, his piercing shriek ringing in her ears. He was so loud she wondered if they could hear him in King’s Landing. The tears are hot against her cheeks and sting her eyes but Daenerys doesn’t care. If truth be told, she doesn’t know if she can anymore. In such a short space of time she watched as her people risked their lives for a cause she joined. 

Her Khalasar and her Unsullied served her with great honour and as proud as she is, a part of her silently wishes she left them in Essos. Although it was here in the Western lands where she was born, deep down she knows that her true home is across the Narrow Sea. Her true home has a red door and a lemon tree. Her true home has a scorching sun and temples and people who look at her with awe and love in their eyes as they call her ‘mhysa’. It is in those lands where she feels safe and comforted. Not here. Here she was alone and a Targaryen alone in the world was a terrible thing, that lesson she had learned. She remembered how they all cheered for Jon the other night, how he was surrounded by faithful companions. Daenerys hadn't felt something as powerful as that since she had eaten the horse's heart, and the Dothraki had cheered for her unborn son. She misses that feeling.

Sometimes she wonders if all of this is truly worth it. Was this really what she wanted or even after his death, was she still trying to please her cruel brother Viserys? Afterall, it was he who had sold her to Khal Drogo in an attempt to gain an army large enough to recapture the throne for himself. He would have left Daenerys with the Dothraki as he lounged in silks and pleasures that the Red Keep would have given him, like they probably had when he was a young boy. 

When Daenerys has stopped crying, she orders Grey Worm to build a pyre big enough for her to sit in. He does as he is told. As he holds the lit torch, the fire dances wildly and Daenerys feels herself becoming lost in the flame. Tyrion begs with her to come back into the castle, fearing what he has been told so often but having not yet witnessed. He will see soon though, the fire cannot hurt her, it never has. Grey Worm lights the pyre and as Daenerys breathes in the smoke, as she feels the heat lick at her skin, her mind begins to clear.

For once since being in Westeros, she feels her own thoughts take hold rather than that of her advisors'. No longer does she feel like she's drowning and suffocating under the pressure. The fire bathes and purifies her, leaving her mind clear. 

This is what she wants, she thinks. To retake the Iron Throne. She set out to make the world better and she'd be damned if she gave up now. Giving up would mean that her children's deaths, that Jorah's death, that Missandei's death, would have been all for nought. No. She wouldn't give up this late in the game, she would fight, in blood and fire if she had to. She would avenge her people and bring justice to this merciless land. Before Missandei was killed, she uttered one word. It was the one word Daenerys needed to know that even in death, she had Missandei's unwavering support. 

After the fire had died and nothing was left but ashes circling Daenerys, she stood on the beach, watching the sun's morning rays stretch across the waters. Tyrion approached her silently, her robe in his hands. Putting it on, she began climbing the stone steps towards the castle. No more was she a frightened little girl, but a strong woman who would take back the seven kingdoms. For her friends and for her family.


End file.
